Jealousy is a common phenomena in which we wish we were someone else because of their looks, money, job, or friends. These qualities, or in some case, quantities are designated as desirable, driving us to be "ambitious."
I've been down that road of jealousy where I wish I was someone else because her job, supportive family, doting boyfriend, blah blah....I can go on with a never-ending wish list to make up for the life I yearned for since my latchkey childhood.
The period from my junior high years to mid 20s was the most depressing, loneliest time of my life. I will not go into details, but I will share that I spent many Friday nights in bed alone, watching TV and hoping that someone would call me. Ever other year I would make one or two good girlfriends who would subsequently abandon me because they felt something wasn't "right" about me. And of course like every girl who grew without a father, I fell in love a hundred times and got my heart broken a thousand times.
At the age of 23, I graduated with a degree in Communications and had no job waiting for me as promised by my inspirational professors. I was also extremely terrified of committing myself to a job that would drown me into a cesspool of misery.
I began working multiple jobs and saved like crazy. Because I had no job security, my fearful mind convinced me that I was broke. I feared of never acquiring a long-term career because I couldn't think of one that my anxiety could tolerate. However it was that fear (and lack of social life) that motivated me to save a nice lump of change.
My whole life changed one summer when I traveled across three continents and over one major ocean. From that point on, I knew what I was born for. Since then I made it a priority to work and save, then travel during Christmas/ New Year and summer every year.
Boarding on a plane and leaving the lack of life I had back home was what change my perspective of my life and the world. It became a manic high I had to have. And when I didn't get it, I grew anxious and restless.
After 5 continents, 4 psychologists, and one psychiatrist, I finally got my act together and returned to school to pursue a Masters in Nutrition. Glowingly, I'm loving every minute of my studies and look forward to working 9-5 when I'm done.
I try not to talk about my travels for 2 reasons: first, I get carried away and won't shut up. Second, it elicits a lot of negative responses.
One of those negative responses comes within the scope of some form of jealousy, sometimes without actually mentioning the word. Some people react with disappointment because they can not travel the same way due to work or family commitments. And some even mentioned they can't because they are in a committed relationship, which makes sense and doesn't at the same time.
But had it not been for a life of loneliness and pain, I would have never thought to venture out of an uncomfortable comfort zone. I reached a point where I felt I had nothing back home. No friends, no sense of belonging, nothing to look forward after the end of my travels. Luckily, things have changed since then.
I am aware that being able to travel more than 2 months out of the year puts me in an enviable light. But in order for me to reach that light, I had to endure countless moments of darkness, as well as countless cups of instant ramen noodles. Not to mention all the heartache and loneliness that have scarred my brain.
If only people fathom the depths of my painful past, I wonder if they would still be envious. When I explain my travels, should I also explain the despair that served as my impetus?
I'm in my 30s, had never earned more than $30k a year, never been in a relationship that lasted more than a year, never moved out of my mom's house, and still spend the majority of my free time as a lone maverick. Still jealous?
My point is that jealously is a byproduct of tunnel vision, in which we fail to see circumstances holistically. It is a waste of energy that is based on selectively limiting beliefs.
My point is that being jealous beyond a figure of speech is just ridiculous.
So if you are going to be jealous of someone, don't forget to be jealous of her darker side.
photo credit: Mitya Ku via photopin cc
photo credit: karavelov via photopin cc
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